Impact of Grief on Youths
Steering Committee
October 1, 2023
Grief is an emotion that knows no age limits. Its impact on young children and adolescents is profound and often underestimated. Losses, whether due to the death of a loved one, divorce, or other significant life changes, can have a lasting effect on a young person's emotional development. As the month of November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month, I would like us to focus this month on the unique challenges of grief in young children and adolescents, highlighting the importance of understanding their needs and providing appropriate support during this difficult time. It is important to understand that children grieve differently than adults and that how children grieve will depend on their age and developmental stage. It is also important to understand that grief is not something we are trying to fix for a child but something they are experiencing and must learn to assimilate into their life.
There are many ways for us to support children and adolescents in their grief journey, but firstly there are four basic concepts that are important for children to understand about death:
- Death is irreversible
- All life functions end completely at the time of death.
- Everything that is alive eventually dies.
- There are physical reasons someone dies. 1
This applies to all children, from a very young age to adolescents. It is important for the adults that are supporting grieving children to use clear, concise, honest, and developmentally appropriate language when talking about a loved one’s death because children will have questions and will want to talk about what happened. Be sure to provide developmentally appropriate information without too much detail so as not to overwhelm.
While it may be hard to use words such as “dead” or “died” using euphemisms can cause young children to perceive death as reversible or temporary, leading to confusion and difficulty in processing their emotions. Younger children who do not understand the concept that death is permanent may think the person or pet who has passed will be back, they may blame themselves, or they may think completing a chore or a thing will bring them back. Using simple and developmentally appropriate language for how a person died is important – so children do not try to create an explanation in their own minds for why a person died. Not understanding how a person died can lead kids to think the person or pet died because they did something wrong, or the person or pet did something wrong. Understanding this is important as it can lessen the likelihood that children will associate death with guilt and shame. By providing age-appropriate information you are building trust so that children will feel comfortable coming back to you if they have more questions.
When it comes to expressing their grief, young children often lack the vocabulary to express their feelings verbally, instead, they may express grief through play, art, or behavior changes. It is important to provide a variety of ways to express their emotions, feelings, and thoughts. You may see quick mood changes and may also see some behavioral regression, such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking, as these are common reactions to grief in very young children. A stable routine will provide a sense of security and predictability for children experiencing complicated grief reactions.
Adolescents are developing their identities and may struggle with how grief affects their self-perception and relationships. Grief can intensify feelings of isolation, making it crucial to provide a safe space for open expression. Adolescents may turn to peers for support, but they might also fear being stigmatized or misunderstood. They may also turn to risky behaviors like substance abuse or self-harm to cope with grief. Encouraging open communication and educating peers on how to offer support can be beneficial. Promoting healthy coping mechanisms such as engaging in creative outlets, participating in support groups, or talking to a therapist is essential.
Encourage young children and adolescents to talk about their feelings and fears. Create an environment where they feel safe expressing themselves without judgment. Connecting grieving children and adolescents with their peers who have experienced similar losses can provide a sense of understanding and belonging. Consider referring to professional counseling or therapy for children and adolescents who may be dealing with significant disruptions in their lives due to their grief.
Schools can help by offering grief education to teachers and students to promote empathy and awareness. “One of the most effective ways to support students is to help all children understand more about death as part of their ongoing learning about life.2
Schools are a great place for children to receive support for grieving because:
- Students spend a lot of time at school.
- Schools are familiar – largely a place where kids feel safe.
- Teachers and other support staff are available to help kids who are grieving.
- There are large numbers of students who can be reached at once.
- Teachers spend large amounts of time of time with students in a natural environment.
- Teachers have a unique perspective about how the child may be grieving.
- Teachers experience the child’s behavior at school – where grief behaviors may be more apparent – things such as acting out, conflict with peers, or less interest in school.
- Teachers can assess these behaviors before and after a loss.
- The teacher’s distance from the loss can be a benefit because the child does not have to “protect” the teacher’s feelings when talking about their loss as they may feel they have to do when talking to family members.
- Families typically appreciate the support provided by schools.
- When a family experiences a loss, children need support beyond the family.
Grief is a life-long journey. Children will carry their grief with them as they grow. It is important to understand that children will experience their grief at different times throughout their life. The holidays can intensify feelings of grief and loss. Significant events like getting a driver’s license, going to prom, or graduation can bring on intense feelings of grief. Grief has no time limit. Allowing time and space for children to grieve can help normalize the ebb and flow of grief and help children deal with the powerful emotions that grief can bring.
Grief in young children and adolescents is a complex emotional journey that requires understanding, patience, and support. By acknowledging the unique challenges each age group faces and providing appropriate resources and care, we can help them navigate grief in healthy ways. Remember that grief knows no age, and with the right support, young people can build resilience and learn to cope with the profound loss they may encounter on their life journeys.
References:
- Concepts of Death
- The Grieving Student A Guide for Schools, Second Edition by David Schonfeld, M.D., & Marcia Quackenbush, M.S., M.F.T., C.H.E.S; second edition, 2021.
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